"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105
As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting back over my life, not only throughout this last year, but also throughout the last 13 years. There's a significance to that number, but before I go into that I wonder how many of you are where you thought you would be at this juncture of your life? If you turn behind you and look back into your past, did everything go according to how you planned to get you to where you are? Did you do all the things you thought you would leading up to this day? Did you do things in such a way that finds you happy today with where you are? Who, from your past, has made it into your present? Now, if you turn and face forward, do you see a future that is built from where you stand today or from where you stood yesterday? Are you doing everything you can today to take you into a brighter tomorrow? Who, from your today, will be with you in your tomorrow? What does your future's path look like? Is it surrounded by green meadows and clear streams? Or, is it covered in immovable boulders and barren trees? Do you even see your future at all?
Pretty deep reflections for the week when Santa comes, but I find myself unable to detach from the reality of how my past has met my present and how my present is mapping out my future. It was 13 years ago that I had an abortion and during a time of year when we're celebrating the birth of Jesus, I'm finding thoughts of my unborn child inescapable. His or her birth into the world never happened because in just one moment I chose to do things my way, with no regard for God's way. Though it may sound as though I'm wallowing in guilt or self-pity, I'm not; I'm simply giving thought to the path I never walked for the purpose of gaining insight into the path I will walk. I'm remembering how I did things in the past so I can know what to do and not do in the future. God's plans for me have always been the same, so I find myself examining how they were meant to go had I done things His way. It's impossible to know for certain, but I find clarity in the examination.
One night earlier this week, I wept over the loss of the child I never brought into the world. In an effort to evaluate God's plans for my life, I went back in time to try and figure out what would be different today had I not had an abortion. Though he didn't know about the baby until after I had gone through with the abortion, my high school sweetheart was the baby's father. I never told him I was pregnant because at the time we were broken up. However, more than that, I didn't tell him because I knew he would talk me out of it. Up to that time he and his family had been the leading Bible studying Christian influences in my life and I knew how they viewed abortion. I had just started college and I believed if I told him, he would convince me to have the baby, drop out of school, and get married. I was young, stupid, and extremely selfish, because I let these thoughts terrify me straight into the medical offices waiting room. I realize now that God's plan was for me to do the very things of which I was terrified because had I done things God's way I would have bypassed the pain and torment of the next 10 years. There's a flip side to all of this though. I would also have bypassed the birth of my son, Ashton, the marriage to my husband, Sam, and the many amazing gifts and people I've been given throughout this last decade. All of it- erased out of existence. When I pictured this, I again began to cry because I can't imagine not having the love that I've known over these last 13 years.
I don't know where I would be or what I would or wouldn't have gone through had I chosen to do things differently, and I don't need to know because I am where I am. I never knew it then, but I know now that God's plans have always been to use me in service to Him. I can look back at my involvement with the baby's father and family and know that God always intended for my relationship with Him to come first because theirs is a family devoted to God's work. How sweet it would have been to start my service to Him at the young age of 18 when I was meant to start, but had I done that my son today wouldn't exist, and that, I simply cannot fathom. Instead, I look forward to the future, knowing that here on this day - I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. God is getting me to where He wants me and needs me, but the difference between today and my yesterdays is that I'm choosing His path now. I know what it means to follow God's path and I know what it means to follow my own. The thing for which I'm most grateful is that His plans don't change - He always gets us to where we're meant to be. Trust Him to lead you, even if, especially if, you've made decisions that have set you on an alternate path. There's a brutal saying that says "The National Anthem of Hell is - 'I did things my way,' " but no matter how long you've been doing things your way, it's never too late to start doing them God's way. God will bless your alternate path as He has blessed mine. Below are some pictures of how my own path has been abundantly blessed! Also, beneath the pictures is a youtube link to listen to the song that inspired this entry. A couple of weeks ago in church, a talented young member got up and sang her heart out to this song - I've been inspired ever since. I pray that you all have a Merry Christmas and keep focused on God's path for your life.
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