Comforted Mourning

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I am in an awkward place today; with lots of little things to consider and to deal with, drama on many fronts, plus my own heart is grieving some. When I feel vulnerable I sometimes have what might be considered a strange reaction, except that I think many tend to do this, we just don't talk about it very often. I get tough, or I get ultra serious, and even sometimes mad when my own feelings are sensitive. Not for any particular reason either, and as a matter of fact, usually over nothing.

Today has the makings of a perfect storm for me. A combination of those around me being on edge; a few unknowns that I have absolutely no control over, PLUS, I am just a little more than tender-hearted, too. So, what to do? I sure don't want to huff around 'half-mad' which I have done before. That never helps. I don't want to take it out on somebody, even if they may need or deserve it. Isn't it funny that whenever I get like this, I almost immediately try to put it on somebody else? Just so I don't have to face it. It, meaning my grief; AND, my grief is not about a loss of anything I ever really had either. It is about the loss of what I didn't have. So, I am going to mourn. I need to.

It kinda starts with whining until I can express what really hurts. You see, whenever we suffer a loss, we sometimes are reminded of all our other losses. Recently, Dawn and I shared a picture of her and her Dad when they were younger, which moved her to tears. After I comforted her I remembered a similar picture of myself and my Dad, which moved me to tears.

Today, I have been reminding myself of several big losses of things I had hoped for that never happened. I am trying to count blessings and surrender all of that to God, and not doin’ too good at it, really. So, I will mourn some more. I am whiny in my prayers right now and asking for comfort and forgiveness at the same time. The enemy is feeding my self-pity as God stokes my hope. It is tiring. God wins this battle every time, praise His Name! BUT, I have to go through it. The comfort is coming from both the surrender and the fight. I am wearing out. I am writing this across a stretch of time and my thoughts and my prayers are getting more and more focused on the real issues in me. The truth is.... I don't need to know everything, nor can I understand it either. I can't make it good for everybody. I am not in control. I am sorry for my part in stuff and for my mistakes.

Let me share how this is working inside me very personally. I just accepted comfort from God, again, about not finishing school and about not being a more assertive leader. I am forgiving myself, again, for regaining weight. Also, for any part I had in what all has happened with my little family. I am forgiving others for circumventing me, and myself for any politics I have played. I am forgiving troublemakers and being penitent of not forgiving, which also causes trouble, by the way. My mourning is helping me sense God's comfort. I am feeling better and a little more worn out. Grateful that I have not created more trouble today, in the process. That is for sure.

This all began with me realizing how much I wish I could have been there more for my Father-in-law, or that he would have opened up to me more, so I could have helped him with his regrets a long time ago. I forgive him and already asked for his forgiveness and now God's. So sorry…. to the point of tears, BUT, comforted. Deep, deep breath now, and a few more tears. Ones that are comforting.

Onward and upward Lord..... Trusting You and so very, very Thankful to You, Pastor Fred

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